Gateway Church Swindon welcomed Julian Adams recently, a man with a great prophetic gift from God that he is humble and generous enough to share with many other people.  He was talking mostly about breakthrough in the prophecies we have over us and praying for breakthrough in all kinds of areas in people's lives; in areas of ill-health, in work, in finances.

I went along filled with a combination of nerves and all out fear.  During the period of Forty Days of Prayer and Fasting at Gateway, I've been under a real dark cloud with my depression.  I had a decent month in January – my first in some time – but recently life has been a huge struggle.  Much of this I am sure can be put down to some form of spiritual attack, with the enemy knowing that my fragile emotional state is a serious area of weakness as far as I'm concerned.

I've been living with a prophecy that was spoken over me a couple of years ago.  It was in an area of my life which was causing some doubt and distraction and I believe God gave me that word when He did to settle and focus my mind in that area.  However, because it is a major area in my life, as well as a great personal desire, that prophecy has weighed more heavily as the time goes by with no signs of its fulfilment.  I wasn't sure whether I would have found it more upsetting to find God had nothing to say about that situation or if He had spoken into my life in a way that would shake what I've come to hope would be true and demolish what little hope I'd managed to cling onto.

For the early part of the meeting, I hid myself away, feeling wholly detached from both God and the church around me.  I'd joked earlier in the evening that, in a situation like this, "you can't hide from God, but watch me try!"  When you try and hide from God, you're playing against the ultimate hide and seek champion and when God has business with you, He's going to keep at you until that business is done, regardless of how much or how often you try to ignore Him.

So when God wanted to speak to me, I was hiding at the back of the room, taking a passing interest in what God was doing, but not feeling impacted by it in any important way, until Julian Adams had a word that could only have related to me.  If there had been any doubt, I would have stayed hidden, but when someone speaks to you about an area of a town my family moved out of in September 1981 and which no-one else in Swindon, much less in that building, would have known anything about, there could only be one person God was focussing on right in that moment.  I may have looked more confident than I felt walking to the front of the room, but I certainly wasn't looking forward to what God might have had to say.

But everything was spot on.  If I hadn't believed before that God was speaking through Julian, it was soon abundantly clear.  No-one else in that building, God apart, knew where I lived 30 years ago and although quite a few know I suffer from depression, virtually none knew how bad things had become over the last couple of weeks in particular; a period when I'd escalated my self-harming behaviour, wanted to cry myself to sleep on more than one night but been unable to either cry or sleep and had not only contemplated ending it all, but had very clear visions of how that could be achieved.  I'd (sort of) joked about how I was looking forward to reaching rock bottom, as that was the only place I could be certain that the only way for me to go was up.  Less than a week previously, I thought I'd found it but there was no relief, only the fear that I could be mired there for some time.

But God knew this and He spoke it through Julian.  He knew about how I'd had an uplift in my mood through January, thanks to a series of stressful events being behind me, yet He knew how things had been far more difficult recently.  He knew about the trouble I'd been having sleeping; all those nights lying awake with a million inconsequential things running through my mind.  He knew that something had to happen with body chemistry, which can frequently be a cause of depression.  Personally, I'd thought that my depression was more emotional and behavioural, which only shows to prove that God knows us better than we even know ourselves.  Even if a hospital has never done so, God is able to give me a brain scan and spot exactly what the problem was.  God knew what was going on, how long it had been going on for, how much I need a breakthrough in this area and He was determined that breakthrough was going to happen.

Julian prayed for me, speaking these words over me and asked God to provide that breakthrough.   Almost before I'd hit the floor under the power of the Spirit, something felt different and I was lying there feeling a sense of calm and peace that hasn't been a part of my life for some time.  When I was able to haul myself up off the floor and go back to my seat, I still felt as if I was in some kind of daze and someone who knew more about my life than any (and who I had answered an earlier question "How's life?" with an expletive) turned to me and asked "Does he know you?".  To which my immediate reply was "No, but he's in close contact with someone who does".

More profound was the effect the following morning.  I woke up feeling as if a fog had lifted from my mind.  I can't remember the last time I awoke feeling so clear headed and with a mind so uncluttered.  I was formally diagnosed with depression around 18 months ago and have been on anti-depressants since then, but it's possibly I've been suffering from some kind of low grade depression since my early teens being bullied at school – for the best part of a quarter century.  I know it had been mentioned as a possibility by friends many years ago.  I've certainly had dark times which I have attempted to cover up in various ways and, indeed, I was possibly only a step away from being an alcoholic during my time at university, such was my dependence on drink as I went prodigal and walked away from my fledgling faith at that time.  That is how unusual it is for me to be waking up not feeling as if there was a heavy weight on my mind – I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I'd felt that way.  It felt similar to waking up after a really long, refreshing sleep, but that can't have been the cause as the time between getting home from the meeting and my alarm going off the following morning didn't allow for that to be true.

The whole world looked different through this new clear vision.  Everything was absolutely beautiful; the young child freewheeling down a hill on his scooter was the very picture of joy.  I walked to work smiling at terriers and their owners and, whilst not all of the owners did, it felt as if the dogs at least were smiling back at me.  Only the day before, I'd been loaned out to a different department at work and went very reluctantly, but on this morning, I was ready for absolutely anything.  Even though I ended up doing my regular work, it was incredible how much faster time passes when you're not just living the day inside your own head desperately waiting for things to be over so you can go home and drown in your own misery for another lonely night.

This whole new perspective even extended to my life and planning.  Before, if anyone had asked if I was going to certain events in the future, even the following day, I'd have answered "Maybe" and left it at that.  I used to commit to nothing, as I valued my own space, so I wouldn't have to share my depression with anyone else and the more depressed I became, the more I would withdraw.  But on this first morning, I woke up with a definitive plan of how I would be spending that evening and even got change for bus fare to make sure I would remain committed.  I also spent much of the day on Facebook cracking stupid jokes in a way I've not done for a while, something that was so obvious that it was commented on specifically later that evening.  It's also been mentioned a couple of times since and on Friday night, someone commented that I was looking an awful lot better than the last time she saw me.  This coming from someone who doesn't attend Gateway, wouldn't have heard anything about what happened at the meeting, but just knew.  When God makes us into the light of the world, it's so obvious that even the blind will see it.

What is more remarkable is that what I was planning on doing was exercising.  Since I've been depressed, I've done no running since a 10 k race in March 2011 – something I used to enjoy – and my regular field hockey has seemed more of a chore than enjoyment this season, with my making excuses not to play, not enjoying it when I did and not generally playing well and I haven't been to a single training session all season.  But I was determined to try something called Bokwa which a friend runs and even if I'd pulled something, the sheer joy on her face (and, subsequently, a couple of other faces) was wonderful to behold and gave more a wonderful feeling of calm and peace.  I then did the same thing earlier today and went to a Park Run event that, records show, I hadn't attended since mid-September 2010, despite it being something I had enjoyed on almost every occasion I'd participated and proudly posted photos on my Facebook profile.  After I don't know how long, I finally feel like I'm alive again and have a life worth living.  Suddenly future events that were just "there" are opportunities to enjoy myself and just doing little things is enjoyable again.  I suddenly want to be around other people and make them laugh and smile, instead of wanting to be alone, lonely and not giving a !@#$%^&* about anything or anyone.  My sense of humour has returned, which my newly updated Facebook profile picture proves in its own silly way.  Not just the joy of making people laugh is back, but my habit of going to stupid lengths preparing for something I knew would make people feel that way.  Now I'm back to feeling good, it feels good to make others feel good.  My sense of humour has been described as a gift from God before, but its return definitely is.

I honestly don't know how to describe this feeling which, as someone who considers himself a writer, is incredibly frustrating.  But it's such an alien feeling, it's almost indescribable.  When I last felt this way, I may not have had the vocabulary to describe it, but now I should have, it's beyond description.  Someone in conversation said it sounded like being born again, which it is in a way after so long.  What it really feels like to me is being liberated, almost as if my depression was some kind of demonic influence which I have been freed from.  Maybe the last few weeks have been that demon digging its claws in knowing its time would soon be up, but now it's gone.  Whatever it was, I have had a breakthrough from my depression and from my life that only God could have achieved in the instant it occurred in.  18 months of tablets, many occasions of unburdening myself to friends, countless self harming incidents and several months of counselling all failed to achieve anything nearly this significant, even though many of them helped.

When you're in a situation like this, sometimes the liberation you receive comes much later than you would like it to.  Sometimes, when you're too proud and too stubborn (in my case "pig headed" might be an apt description), you have to be broken down to a point where you have nothing left and need God to break in with a miraculous breakthrough to salvage anything.  Having had to get there and now being able to glorify God thanks to a 180 degree turnaround in my life and attitude in the space of mere seconds, I would urge anyone not to leave it that long.  Prayer is always possible, God is always listening and breakthrough is always waiting for you to claim it.  In a few short days since that meeting, we have seen other breakthroughs in areas of ill-health and rises in customers for a business, as people have claimed God's promises for these things.  God wants the best for us and you can, and should, claim your promise.  The Spirit is always available for you.

When something happens, there's always a 50/50 chance as to whether I'll join in or stubbornly avoid it.  But after a friend of mine posted an A-Z of his favourite films at http://www.pauljoyceuk.com/codex/2012/the-alphabet-of-great-films/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ArticlesByPaulJoyce+%28My+20+Latest+Blog+Articles%2C+by+Paul+Joyce%29&utm_content=Google+UK

 and then another posted hers at http://millyj.posterous.com/my-alphabet-of-favourite-films, I felt compelled (with a touch of added encouragement, it has to be said) to come up with my own.

I don't know a lot about what makes a film good, but I know what I like, which is the basis behind this list.  I guess it shows how far reaching my tastes are, as comedy, musicals, thrillers and horror are all represented here.  I'm not wildly happy with the choices almost forced upon me for "X" and "U" and "Q" is a little weak as well, but such is the alphabet.  On the plus side, when I was going through my DVD shelves trying to refresh my memory a little, suddenly all the time I spent getting them alphabetized paid off.  Anyway, less prattle, more list...

A: Any Given Sunday

B: The Blues Brothers

C: Cry Freedom

D: Dead Poets Society

E: eXistenZ

F: Ferris Bueller's Day Off

G: Goodnight & Good Luck

H: The History Boys

I: Inception

J: The Jungle Book

K: A Knight's Tale

L: Lost in Translation

M: Mr Holland's Opus

N: Nine (that's "Nine", not "9")

O: Once

P: The Princess Bride

Q: Quarantine (although "REC" was better)

R: Ronin

S: The Shawshank Redemption

T: Taken

U: The Untouchables

V: Valkyrie

W: Walk the Line

X: X-Men (the whole franchise, really)

Y: Young Einstein

Z: Zombieland

This one was inspired by a former colleague of mine, who commented that she liked shiny things so much, she was almost like a magpie.  The lack of quality of the later verses shows you how little I know about magpies and how little thought went into the song at the point I started writing it.  However, there’s a feeling to it that I like and should I ever get anything sorted out and start publishing music properly, my company’s logo will be a magpie.

MY MAGPIE

I’ll polish up my smile

To bring you to me

I know you’ll come running

If I could only gleam

Try to look so sparkly

To capture your eye

Want to show you

How brightly I can shine

What a beautiful vision

As you take to the sky

Wanna take your wing

Together we can fly

My magpie

I’ll scour all the sky

To see you in flight

I’ll wait impatient

For a glimpse of black and white

Want to come back with you

To visit your nest

Want to stroke all

The feathers on your breast

What a wonderful vision

Coming down from the sky

Wanna take your wing

Together we can fly

My magpie

Maybe one’s for sorrow

Together make mirth

I’ll dance for courtship

We’ll alight from the earth

Watch the bob of your tail

So black and so sleek

Gonna cherish every

Song comes from your beak

What a wonderful feeling

As we take to the sky

When I take your wing

And together we fly

My magpie

In all of the heavens

Your wings are the best

Let’s fly together

To feather your nest

I’ll watch and admire

As you come in to land

Gonna worship on

The ground on which you stand

What a wonderful feeling

As we take to the sky

So spread your wings

Together we will fly

My magpie

Years ago, a Christian band called Petra did a song called “Judas’ Kiss”, which I hadn’t heard of before I sat down to write this.  I liked the idea of a Judas kiss, but being a recent convert to Christianity at the time of writing this song, didn’t know all that much about it.  The basic idea was there, but as this shows, it’s not been clearly understood by the writer.  That said, I’ve often thought it’s the mark of a good idea when it recurs several years later and this lyric can pop into my head at strange times nearly two decades after I first wrote it down.

JUDAS KISS

I know you love me, ‘cause I can feel it

And I can see it in the way that you move

When you say “kiss me”, I can’t resist it

But I keep thinking that I’m played for a fool

Kiss me ‘cause you love me baby

I don’t want to be on the wrong end

Of your Judas kiss

Hold me ‘cause you want me darling

I don’t want to be the lover

You send to the cross

I know you love me, you can’t deny it

I’ve seen the look of love that’s deep in your eyes

You always tell me, your heart’s another’s

But I know you well enough to see through the lies

Kiss me ‘cause you love me baby

I don’t want to be on the wrong end

Of your Judas kiss

Hold me ‘cause you want me darling

I don’t want to be the lover

You send to the cross

I know you want me, I’ve heard you talking

I’ve heard the rumours that are doing the rounds

You’ve told your best friends, how much you need me

But to my face, well all you do’s put me down

Kiss me ‘cause you love me baby

I don’t want to be on the wrong end

Of your Judas kiss

Hold me ‘cause you want me darling

I don’t want to be the lover

You send to the cross

I know you love me, I asked your best friend

She says my name is all that she ever hears

But you have never, talked to me that way

You’ve never asked about my hopes or my fears

Kiss me ‘cause you love me baby

I don’t want to be on the wrong end

Of your Judas kiss

Hold me ‘cause you want me darling

I don’t want to be the lover

You send to the cross

I know you want me, I’ve read your diary

It’s filled with fantasies that are just you and me

So why whenever, we get together

Are you reluctant to try reality?

Kiss me ‘cause you love me baby

I don’t want to be on the wrong end

Of your Judas kiss

Hold me ‘cause you want me darling

I don’t want to be the lover

You send to the cross

I know you need me, I’ve watched you sleeping

You scream my name as if I’m there in your dreams

You always tell me, you’re having nightmares

Why does your sleeping face keep smiling at me?

Kiss me ‘cause you love me baby

I don’t want to be on the wrong end

Of your Judas kiss

Hold me ‘cause you want me darling

I don’t want to be the lover

You send to the cross

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This was inspired by a throwaway line by a friend of mine, who bemoaned the fact that she couldn’t talk to certain people as they don’t just listen, they try to fix what’s wrong.  I think that’s something many of us are guilty of, trying to be a repairman rather than just a good friend.  I’m not entirely sure if writing a song about it makes me a friend, a repairman or just a writer, but there we go.

JIGSAW HEART

Why do you see me as broken?

Just because the pieces make a picture

You could never understand

I don’t need to be mended

My life is not a waste of time

Just because it don’t match your plan

You see the girl upon the box

And you think she looks like you

You paint a smile upon her face

You want to paint one on mine too

The puzzle’s just as valid

When it’s been taken apart

So stop playing with the pieces

Of my jigsaw heart

How can you think that it’s easy

My hurts don’t go just one way

Like the hands of a clock

The picture has to come apart

Otherwise there’s no point

So put the pieces back in the box

You see the girl upon the box

And you think she looks like you

You paint a smile upon her face

You want to paint one on mine too

The puzzle’s just as valid

When it’s been taken apart

So stop playing with the pieces

Of my jigsaw heart

It’s sweet your life makes you happy

But what makes you think the life you have

Is the one I want to life?

Don’t try to force my affection

Don’t try to take from me

You’ll only get as much as I give

You see the girl upon the box

And you think she looks like you

You paint a smile upon her face

You want to paint one on mine too

The puzzle’s just as valid

When it’s been taken apart

So stop playing with the pieces

Of my jigsaw heart

Why do you feel like you owe me?

All the good things that have come your way

May have been yours in time

I’ve never been your salvation

And even if you think I am

That doesn’t mean you will ever be mine

You see the girl upon the box

And you think she looks like you

You paint a smile upon her face

You want to paint one on mine too

The puzzle’s just as valid

When it’s been taken apart

So stop playing with the pieces

Of my jigsaw heart

So let me keep my heart broken

If the pieces fit together again

Then that’s all up to me

Don’t dare look down on me

Even if the smile on my face

Ain’t there as much as you want it to be

You see the girl upon the box

And you think she looks like you

You paint a smile upon her face

You want to paint one on mine too

The puzzle’s just as valid

When it’s been taken apart

So stop playing with the pieces

Of my jigsaw heart

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When I first started out, I used to write puerile songs about love and heartbreak, not knowing a huge amount about either.  This is one of the earlier ones and it shows in a rather juvenile viewpoint.  But it’s a song that has stuck with me for nearly twenty years and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s either the mark of a memorable song, or proof that my memory could use a reboot.

ANOTHER FAILED ROMANCE

I can feel the tears begin

Pricking at the back of my eyes

I can feel my heart break

And that always makes me cry

I can feel the pain start

To burn deep into my soul

I could fall in love again

But one way love still

Cuts me deep inside you know

That I haven’t had much luck just lately

Running from the pain

And there’s an air of déjà vu

Hanging round me once again

I know I’ll throw my life away

Given half a chance

But I don’t want to have to live through

Another failed romance

I can smile and laugh

But cracking jokes don’t ease my pain

As days go by I can’t forget

‘Cause what goes around comes around again

All I ever wanted

Was to be closer to you

But the things you did and the things you said

Made it clear that wasn’t

What you wanted me to do

That I haven’t had much luck just lately

Running from the pain

And there’s an air of déjà vu

That hangs around me once again

I know I’ll throw my life away

Given half a chance

But I don’t want to have to live through

Another failed romance

I’m searching for a lover

But a lover I can’t find

All I want is someone

Who will let me call them mine all mine

I want to start off somewhere new

With a smile upon my face

But every time I turn to run

The hurt rears up its ugly head

And puts me right back in my place

No, I haven’t had much luck just lately

Running from the pain

And there’s an air of déjà vu

Hanging round me once again

I know I’ll throw my life away

Given half a chance

But I don’t want to have to live through

Another failed romance

I wonder if I’ll learn to laugh again

Or if the hurt will kill me first

I keep wondering why there’s so much pain

Upon our little earth

All I know is I must live with that

But I don’t understand why

I guess I’ll be far happier

When I see the end of all my tears

But they won’t dry up until the day I die

That I haven’t had much luck just lately

Running from the pain

And there’s an air of déjà vu

That hangs around my heart again

I know I’ll throw my life away

Given half a chance

But I don’t want to have to live through

Another failed romance

No, I don’t want to have to live through

Another failed romance

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For ages, ever since hearing The Beatles’ I Am the Walrus”, I’ve wanted to write something that made next to no sense whatsoever.  This is about as close as I’ve ever got, although I noticed as it went along that the song started to have more and more of a through line the further I went with it.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to write something that makes no sense at all.  Shortly after receiving a large bang on the head, I suspect.

PLACES I’VE KNOWN

Your words like knives

Cut me deep inside

My blood falls like raindrops

As I sink to the ground

I’m wanting to cry

But I forget why

And now I’m revolving

Or is the room spinning around

And my vision blurs

As the teardrop explodes

And the colours created

Remind me of places I’ve known

This morning was fine

But the day turned to night

And the problem’s solution

Was lost in the dark

I fumble around

Yet it still can’t be found

You’re laughing

But I can’t decide where you are

And my vision blurs

As the teardrop explodes

And the colours created

Remind me of places I’ve known

The night never ends

As I scream for my friends

I thought you were my lover

But your love is long gone

I’m dying to say

How I’m glad that you stayed

But your memory fades

As the night lingers on

And my vision blurs

As the teardrop explodes

And the colours created

Remind me of places I’ve known

The morning returns

Yet the darkness still burns

I had never imagined

You would treat me this way

Maybe I should have seen

But the night blinded me

And it shielded your exit

When you slipped away

And my vision blurs

As the teardrop explodes

And the colours created

Remind me of places I’ve known

Now the night’s on its way

I can’t face it again

As it brings back the feelings

Of the night time before

I don’t want to live through

All these memories of you

But there’s only one way

I can avoid any more

And my vision blurs

As the teardrop explodes

And the colours created

Remind me of places I’ve known

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There seem to be more songs written about love going well than there are about love going wrong, except in country and blues, which are pretty much entirely based around the latter.  Sadly, I’ve had more experience of the latter and that’s where this came from.  It won’t surprise anyone to know that I’ve always envisaged this as a country song.

IT REMINDS ME OF YOU

I picked up the tag

That you tore from your clothes

I couldn't bear to throw it away

It's torn and it's crumpled

And no longer of use

But I like it

'Cause it reminds me of you

I rented the movie

You said I should see

The title's burned deep in my brain

It was all in a language

That I don't understand

But I liked it

'Cause it reminds me of you

I test drove a car

Like the one that you have

The one that brought you to me

The handling was sloppy

And it goes far too slow

But I liked it

'Cause it reminds me of you

I went to the store

Where you buy lingerie

I guess I won't see it on you

There was none in your style

And none in your size

But I bought it

'Cause it reminds me of you

I trawled through the library

For the books that you read

Where the writers tell tales of their lives

They were all badly written

And the stories were bland

But I like them

'Cause they remind me of you

I went to the places

You said you had been

Saw the sights that you said I should see

They were cold and so lifeless

And the people were rude

But I liked them

'Cause they remind me of you

I saved all the texts

That are signed with your name

And I read them all through every night

They only serve to remind me

Every word was a lie

But I like them

'Cause every one came from you

I relived the dreams

Of the times that we had

Of the moments that were all too few

They end all too quickly

And the truth is less fun

But I like them

'Cause they remind me of you

I look at your picture

Hundred times every day

I look away and I can still see your smile

It’s a beautiful picture

Though I’d rather have you

But I like it

‘Cause it reminds me of you 

I picked up my heart

When you threw it away

Though I don't think that I'll need it again

It's broken and bleeding

And it's all out of love

But I like it

'Cause it reminds me of you

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Another throwaway line, another song.  For some reason, my creative brain seems to seize on simple things and they grow from there.  This was just a line I joked to a colleague one morning when we bumped into each other at the coffee machine for the second time that day.  I also felt this song would work best with a high tempo – a nod to the amount of caffeine I consume in the office, perhaps?

WE’VE GOTTA STOP MEETING THIS WAY

Wake to the sounds of Summer

I should be feeling good

The sun shines through my window

It doesn’t help to life my mood

I step into the shower

Refreshes body not the mind

Drag myself into the office

Yet another day of wasted time

It’s a shame we get together

In a place where neither wants to be

I’m always pleased to see you

It helps to get me through the day

But I can’t help but think that

We’ve gotta stop meeting this way

In my ears constant ringing

I hope that we’re not here to stay

Say as we stop for coffee

We’ve gotta stop meeting this way

I drive in through the traffic

I’m waiting for an accident

I stau out of the fast lane

I’m trying to loiter with intent

I take my time with parking

Don’t want to hit the desk too soon

Eyes turning to the clock now

How come it’s still not afternoon?

It’s a shame we get together

In a place where neither wants to be

I’m always pleased to see you

It helps to get me through the day

But I can’t help but think that

We’ve gotta stop meeting this way

In my ears constant ringing

I hope that we’re not here to stay

Say as we stop for coffee

We’ve gotta stop meeting this way

And on through all the torment

The briefest moments of respite

We battle through the darkness

To find a minute in the light

I know it’s not forever

But it’s still taking too darn long

I look around and wonder

How I did let it all go wrong?

It’s a shame we get together

In a place where neither wants to be

I’m always pleased to see you

It helps to get me through the day

But I can’t help but think that

We’ve gotta stop meeting this way

In my ears constant ringing

I hope that we’re not here to stay

Say as we stop for coffee

We’ve gotta stop meeting this way

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It often surprises people, but I’m a big country music fan and so I’ve written a number of country sounding songs.  One of my favourite parts of country music is some of the great song titles.  I’ve long wanted to write something with a so-good-it’s-bad title like “I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better” or “My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him”, or my personal favourite “I’d Rather Have a Bottle In Front Of Me (Than a Frontal Lobotomy)”.  This is about as close as I’ve ever come.  I think I heard the line somewhere and it was such a good title for a country song, I just had to write it.

I’VE TRIED TO DROWN MY SORROWS, BUT THE !@#$%^&* THINGS LEARNED TO SWIM

I’ll tell you all my story

But with the best will in the world

All the love songs that I wrote her

Didn’t help me keep my girl

I never saw it coming

All I could do was grieve

On the day that she decided it was time to up and leave

And I’m sick of hearing all about the fishes in the sea

I know that patience is a virtue

But it’s never worked for me

As I stand here slowly sinking

With my patience wearing thin

I’ve tried to drown my sorrows but the !@#$%^&* things learned to swim

Drag myself out of my bed

Got to try and face the day

I don’t want to face the struggles

That are sure to come my way

I don’t want to have another day

With trouble and with strife

I just want to hide myself away in the mess that is my life

I can’t wait for the night time

But it’s not coming fast

I want to feel the darkness

That will guide me home at last

There’s no point in fighting

Wars I know I’ll never win

I’ve tried to drown my sorrows but the !@#$%^&* things learned to swim

Every time I’m left alone

I revisit memories

But it never helps to reminisce

After what you did to me

Keep getting caught inside my mind

I’m trying to escape

But I’m stuck here because my train of thought is running late

I sit in silent darkness

With far too much time to think

And I can feel my spirits sinking

With every glass of them I drink

It doesn’t matter if I try with vodka, scotch or gin

When I try to drown my sorrows the !@#$%^&* things always learn to swim

Doesn’t matter what you say to me

You’re still the one to blame

And even when I fall asleep

That doesn’t help to ease my pain

Putting you behind me

Ain’t as easy as it seems

In the reaches of the night, you still haunt all my dreams

I’m looking for oblivion

It may be in the next glass

But that road is dark and empty

And I don’t want to go that far

I don’t want to open up that door

Scared of what may lie within

I’ve tried to drown my sorrows but the !@#$%^&* things learned to swim

I think of you most readily

When I am all alone

You never seem to call

So I’ve turned off the mobile phone

I sit here in my solitude

Cry myself another lake

Sleeping makes me dream of you so I fight to stay awake

Unconsciousness is beckoning

I don’t want to lose this fight

The daytime don’t pass easy

But I really hate the night

I don’t want to keep of passing time

With this life I’m living in

So I try to drown my sorrows but the !@#$%^&* things learn to swim